Apparently, I haven’t posted since November.  I just read that last post and, remembering how happy I was to have my Meghan with me for the holidays, it just about broke my heart, even as it soared with the happiness I felt in those not-so-long past days.  All of you who read here probably know already by now, but Meghan – my beautiful little girl – passed away at the age of 18…just a few weeks from her 19th birthday…on April 5th, 2012.


**Disclaimer:  I am in a pretty dark place right now, but I know that writing will help.  Please be aware from this point forward that I am not going to filter myself.  I will not try to deliberately hurt or offend anyone, but I am hurt and offended and I am going to use this blog to help heal myself.  It is but one tool out of many, but if you see something here that causes you to be angry with me, do not comment hateful things.  Just go away.  This is really for me, it just happens to be a public blog.  /disclaimer

I’ve been advised that it would be helpful for me to write letters to those who have hurt me, or those with whom I am upset.  I would rather have conversation and two-way communication with them, but I don’t think it would be very productive.  I am going to write the letters, either way, but whether or not they are sent to their respective recipients…who knows?

I know there are stages of grief, and I suppose I have surpassed and overcome the initial one – denial – but anger, bargaining, and depression whirl ’round and ’round in my head.  I make deals all day long, to no avail.  I am always angry; at myself, at others, at my idiocy in the past, at others’ idiocy in the past, at God for taking my baby so soon…the list goes on and on.  And the depression…it is crushing at times.  I try to mask it, for the sake of those who care for me, but at times, it just doesn’t seem like there’s any point in going on.  That is not a suicidal thought, per se.  I have this theory regarding suicide, and it really is not an option.  If there’s any chance that would prevent me from seeing Meghan again, then I am definitely not doing that.

My beliefs are not the typical “Christian” beliefs; I imagine if you read my blog enough, over time, you will see where my viewpoint often leads me astray from being able to really even call myself a Christian, based on the “mission statements” and “belief systems” outlined on most church websites.  That being said, though, I am very much a child of God and a follower of Jesus Christ.  I say all that to say this:  I do believe that reincarnation happens…I’m not sure what the criteria are, or whether there is free will and choice involved, or if it is something that we all go through in order to gain some sort of enlightenment.  I know that I have met people – my 8-year-old niece for example – who I think of as “old souls,” and then there are pure innocents like Meghan, whom I believe to have been a brand-new soul.  As for myself?  I think I must have been a really successful person in another life, with all of the material things one could want.  I obviously didn’t appreciate them or take care of them enough, because this go around, my experience seems to be all about loss.  This is not a statement of self-pity.  I have lost so much in my 30-coughcough years.

My question for you is this:  Do you think you’ve been here before?  Does that completely go against your personal system of belief?  If you do think you’ve lived before, what do you think your life lesson is now, and why?