Posts from the ‘Therapy’ Category

Questioning His Plan

I have so much in my life to be grateful for:  my family, a fabulous circle of friends who are always there for me, my health, a job that I enjoy (most of the time), and my faith.  Can one be grateful for faith?  I think so. I know that, without it, these past six and a half weeks would have been simply unbearable.  Without the certain knowledge that I WILL one day be reunited (again) with my sweet girl, I would go insane and just…give up.

It amazes me sometimes that faith is a two-way street; God has been faithful to me in some really amazing ways, and I will not ever forget that.  He gives back to me far, far more than I could ever give to Him; He is truly One of unconditional love and grace and mercy. That said, I do not presume to dictate to my Father in Heaven how to do His job; however, I do have to say that I am still questioning “why” He took Meghan so unexpectedly.  I have been told, over and over, that “it is God’s plan,” and I must confess that I grow weary of that response.  Obviously, it was God’s plan…that should not have to be stated.  But here’s the thing…the duck-billed platypus was also part of God’s plan and I think we can all agree that the platypus does not make a whole lot of sense, either. I mean, really…from Wikipedia, on the platypus:  it is an “egg-laying, venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal.” I can’t be the only person who thinks that is odd, right?

My problem with people who just toss off the “God’s plan” response is that, even though it is a true statement, there is really no thought whatsoever in that “answer.”  It doesn’t comfort me, and it doesn’t encourage me.  I know old-school Christians (and probably some new-school ones, too) would say that we should not question God; my response to them is that God gave me a brain, intelligence to use it, and the proclivity toward understanding, so obviously, He expects me to ask questions, right?  So surely He would not say, “Yes, Angela, ask all the questions you like, just don’t question Me.”  Right?

I know that, as parents, we expect our children to do what we tell them to do, without question, so by that yardstick, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t question God.  But God is so much bigger, as a Parent, than we are in our little earthly roles.  For one…and this is a biggie, so hold on…while we can, and sometimes do, lose our children, God never loses His.  We are His from before our births until long after our deaths, into all eternity.  We can choose to separate ourselves from God, but He never truly leaves us.  And, as I was reminded earlier this week, we have to be honest with others and ourselves about where in our walk we are, so that God can meet us and minister to us in the place where we stand.  That is what He is best at.  Meeting us where we are and helping to heal us so that we can grow in Him.

So that is where I am right now…being grateful for what I do have, and trying to find a way to fit my new reality into the grid of my life’s experiences and just … keep living.  Meghan would have it no other way.

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Dark Days

Apparently, I haven’t posted since November.  I just read that last post and, remembering how happy I was to have my Meghan with me for the holidays, it just about broke my heart, even as it soared with the happiness I felt in those not-so-long past days.  All of you who read here probably know already by now, but Meghan – my beautiful little girl – passed away at the age of 18…just a few weeks from her 19th birthday…on April 5th, 2012.

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**Disclaimer:  I am in a pretty dark place right now, but I know that writing will help.  Please be aware from this point forward that I am not going to filter myself.  I will not try to deliberately hurt or offend anyone, but I am hurt and offended and I am going to use this blog to help heal myself.  It is but one tool out of many, but if you see something here that causes you to be angry with me, do not comment hateful things.  Just go away.  This is really for me, it just happens to be a public blog.  /disclaimer

I’ve been advised that it would be helpful for me to write letters to those who have hurt me, or those with whom I am upset.  I would rather have conversation and two-way communication with them, but I don’t think it would be very productive.  I am going to write the letters, either way, but whether or not they are sent to their respective recipients…who knows?

I know there are stages of grief, and I suppose I have surpassed and overcome the initial one – denial – but anger, bargaining, and depression whirl ’round and ’round in my head.  I make deals all day long, to no avail.  I am always angry; at myself, at others, at my idiocy in the past, at others’ idiocy in the past, at God for taking my baby so soon…the list goes on and on.  And the depression…it is crushing at times.  I try to mask it, for the sake of those who care for me, but at times, it just doesn’t seem like there’s any point in going on.  That is not a suicidal thought, per se.  I have this theory regarding suicide, and it really is not an option.  If there’s any chance that would prevent me from seeing Meghan again, then I am definitely not doing that.

My beliefs are not the typical “Christian” beliefs; I imagine if you read my blog enough, over time, you will see where my viewpoint often leads me astray from being able to really even call myself a Christian, based on the “mission statements” and “belief systems” outlined on most church websites.  That being said, though, I am very much a child of God and a follower of Jesus Christ.  I say all that to say this:  I do believe that reincarnation happens…I’m not sure what the criteria are, or whether there is free will and choice involved, or if it is something that we all go through in order to gain some sort of enlightenment.  I know that I have met people – my 8-year-old niece for example – who I think of as “old souls,” and then there are pure innocents like Meghan, whom I believe to have been a brand-new soul.  As for myself?  I think I must have been a really successful person in another life, with all of the material things one could want.  I obviously didn’t appreciate them or take care of them enough, because this go around, my experience seems to be all about loss.  This is not a statement of self-pity.  I have lost so much in my 30-coughcough years.

My question for you is this:  Do you think you’ve been here before?  Does that completely go against your personal system of belief?  If you do think you’ve lived before, what do you think your life lesson is now, and why?

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