Every day, when I open my eyes, I have to adjust to this new reality.  It is the hardest thing about my day, without a doubt.  Even when the remainder of the day goes like yesterday went, with lots of random tears and fits of pique.  When I open my eyes and the knowledge reasserts itself – “Meghan is gone…” – I feel the same exact way that I felt in my car on I-85S that Thursday evening when I found out my baby was not of this world any longer.

It is like a physical, tangible thing, this pain.  It grabs me and shakes me to my core, it strips my heart bare, and it leaves my mind reeling.  Tears in the morning are basically the same thing as breathing, in this new reality.  I cry and moan and sometimes even wail, because the noise seems to help release some of the physical pain out of my head, and my heart.

I know that it will not always be this bad.  I know that “time will heal” and all the other clichés that people say to try to console me.  I know they are well-intentioned, but telling me that “Meghan lives on in my heart,” does not really lighten the load right now.  I mean…don’t get me wrong…it’s comforting, of course.  But I have not quite made it past the “I really just want her HERE in front of me, not so much in my heart,” phase just yet.  Right now, I take every day as it comes and try to concentrate on making it to the next one.

I do know that I have the best possible support system of family and friends that a person could ever ask for.  I don’t want to start naming names, because I would have to name everybody then, but I think those who know they’ve gone above and beyond know who they are.  I have definitely discovered who my truest friends are through this.

I also lost a longtime friend and my dad in the process.  I think they will each get their own post.  Not today, though.

I still have not dreamed of my beautiful girl…I really want to, but my subconscious just won’t go there; not that I remember, anyway.  Today, I woke myself up crying from a dream, but I don’t remember the dream at all.  It could have been about her, I guess, but I don’t know.  I am keenly jealous of people who casually say, “Oh, I dreamed of Meghan last night…,” even as I am happy for them, that they can see her and spend time with her, even if only in Dreamland. I believe she will one day come to my dreams.  I have to believe that.  If I didn’t, I might go a little crazy.

I also find it just insane the number of things, people, and places that call her to my mind.  She’s everywhere, all the time.  It’s unreal.  Just driving down the main drag through town, looking at restaurants we ate in together, the T-Mobile store where we got her first phone and added her line to my plan, gas stations we stopped at together, for goodness’ sake…everywhere.

I am going back to work in just a couple of weeks.  My employer has been amazing about giving me this time off; I could not have asked for better, where they are concerned.  After over four years of working there, they are like an extension of my family and they have really conducted themselves as such.  It makes me proud to work for a company that genuinely cares for its people.  I am nervous about going back, but I know it’s necessary.

Also, I came down with a cold Monday night, so I don’t feel well at all.  Nothing better than dealing with grief while battling congestion, headache, a rattling cough, and achy joints.  I was chatting with a friend of mine of Facebook the other night when I couldn’t sleep and she reminded me that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and my family and I can be comfortable in the knowledge that, on the other side of the grief, we will be proud of the fact that God thinks we are strong people.

If that’s true, then God obviously thinks I am a complete bad-ass.

 

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