The newest POTSC Never Beyond poster is of a Catholic priest. The issue is sexual child abuse. Can we forgive these transgressions? How far is too far when we’re talking about radical grace and forgiveness? Who deserves it? Who doesn’t? Is anyone just absolutely beyond grace altogether?
These are the questions POTSC is asking us me to answer this week. And I find that I definitely have something to say on the subject.
I have never been sexually abused. I come at this question from another angle altogether…from that of the accused.
Long story short, my ex-husband was sentenced to twenty years in prison (to serve eleven) for a sexual offense that I believe he was innocent of. He recently maxed out – meaning he was not paroled, but released at the maximum date the judge allowed, after 11 years – and is now attempting to put his life together. Regardless of actual guilt or innocence, our justice system deemed him guilty, and so he must live the rest of his life with the stigma of that guilt.
Just since his release there is a laundry list of the obstacles he has run into (and this is only a fraction of the issues he has had to confront):
- Finding a place to live. Because of his date of conviction, the new sex offense living and working laws don’t require him to live 1,000 feet away from schools, churches, daycares, or bus stops, nor is actually prohibited from living in a home with a child present…but he still struggled to find a place to live.
- When he did finally find somewhere to go, the field probation officers who came to his mom’s house (where his sister and her family were also living) in the middle of the night scared his family to death and threatened to call DFCS on his sister.
- He can’t find a job to save his life. The Department of Labor supposedly has a program in place to help people in his situation, but that was a joke…the person running the class he was required to take advised him that “convicted child molesters don’t belong anywhere but in prison.” This happened in a room full of other people who were NOT convicted anythings…mostly 30-something women looking to find work to feed their families. Needless to say, he walked out of the class in utter shame and humiliation.
- Not being able to find work doesn’t mean that he is absolved of having to pay his fines and fees, though. No, those monies are still very much expected every month, with the penalty for even one month’s nonpayment being a potential return to prison for nine more years.
- His own family has turned against him…the one person – a cousin – who was willing to put him to work so that he can pay the exorbitant fines and fees he is now subject to has been prohibited from continuing to help him by his mother…my ex’s aunt. Nice, huh?
- He is required as a part of his probation terms to take a sex offender class that can last anywhere from 3-18 months, based on the outcome of an assessment that he has to arrange and pay for (to the tune of anywhere from $150-450!). The top place his probation officer recommended he do the assessment and class through also happens to be the “clinic” run by the same forensic psychologist whose testimony helped to convict him.
It breaks my heart every time I speak with him. The blows do not ever stop coming. I pray grace and healing for him every single day of my life, but I honestly do not see how his life will ever get any easier. For all intent and purpose, he is a societal monster. A pariah.
Do I hate that women and children all over the world are sexually abused? Yes, of course, I do. I desperately hope and pray that someday there will be no more sexual abuse of anyone in this world. But.
But.
I cannot help but forever have my image of the abuser tainted by the heartache that I know they endure. Lepers in the Bible are treated better than convicted sex offenders, if my ex’s example is the norm.
So, yes, I can forgive the abuser. Reading the outcries of the bloggers and POTSC’ers and Grace Mobbers who have shared their stories through this campaign this week hurts my soul. I cry for every one of them and I pray with every breath in my body that each of them will find solace and peace. But with the same breath, I forgive their abusers.
[This post is part of People of the Second Chance’s Never Beyond poster campaign. Who would you give a second chance?]
12 responses to “From Another Angle: The Accused”
Steve Austin
September 29th, 2011 at 11:18
Wow. Incredible. Heart-breaking. Are there support groups? Have you connected him with Karen Hammons? She is such a WILD WOMAN of grace! Thank you for sharing! What a paradigm!
Angela
September 29th, 2011 at 11:46
Thank you for your kindness, Steve. I have discussed this extensively with Karen (she is so amazing, and I thank God for her every day of my life!) and I have offered resources she has suggested – including an opportunity for him to email/talk with Karen’s husband Danny – but so far, he is resistant.
I think the experiences he’s had just since getting out of prison in April have disheartened him and reinforced his belief that the system is “out to get” people like him…he doesn’t trust that the resources we are offering will help, because nothing else is working for him, either. It is a daily struggle for him – and for me – and … well. It’s hard.
Brandy Schaal
September 29th, 2011 at 11:25
Thank you for sharing the “other side” with us. I have to admit that I am struggling with this week’s poster as well. Heck the whole series has my brain and heart in shambles. But I am grateful for people like you who are courageous enough to step out and be a part of the discussion. Love you girl!
Angela
September 29th, 2011 at 11:48
It is a really tough discussion, Brandy. I’ve read the stories of the abused, and the comments of people who “hope [they] never have to make that call,” and I’ve cried and prayed for them…and then I think about our story and it just flips over and over on itself, ad nauseum.
Thanks for reading and for commenting. I love you, too!!
Mike Lehr
September 29th, 2011 at 12:50
Angela, thank you for sharing this painful perspective from the other side. I am completely with you when you said, “Reading the outcries of the bloggers and POTSC’ers and Grace Mobbers who have shared their stories through this campaign this week hurts my soul. I cry for every one of them and I pray with every breath in my body that each of them will find solace and peace.” It has been heartbreaking to read, but all of these stories (which involved dark evils) are being used for good and that is a clear sign of a little bit more of the Kingdom of God coming on earth. May MORE of His Kingdom come…
Angela
September 29th, 2011 at 23:19
Thanks, Mike. This has truly been the most challenging week yet in the Never Beyond campaign. And you know that clever Enemy of ours…well, he picked a prime time to wreak havoc in my family, too. I appreciate you!!
Chris Tian
September 29th, 2011 at 19:22
Grace is something not found much in the judicial/penal system. It is also painful that a 11-20 year sentence is really a “sentence” for life.
There is no good answer to our society’s crimes and punishments. In this harsh light of reality all one can hold to is that there is our good God who shows us all grace and desires for all of us to learn it too.
Angela
September 29th, 2011 at 23:23
Thank you for your comments. It is my belief that our judicial system is completely and maybe even irrevocably broken. The injustices my family have suffered the last 11 years are beyond disgusting. Such a hard place to be! Grace is the ONLY thing that redeems any of it.
Karen Hammons
September 29th, 2011 at 23:08
Angela – The courage you display in sharing your story is breathtaking!! You are a light. SO honored and humbled to be POTSC with you!
Love and appreciate you GREATLY!!
Karen
Angela
September 29th, 2011 at 23:23
Thank you, Karen! And right back at you…you inspire me daily.
karla porter archer
October 4th, 2011 at 09:00
thank you for sharing this, Angela. I have known others who have struggled upon their release from prison. It is heartbreaking to watch someone who is making such efforts be knocked down over and over.
Praying for strength and compassion for him.
xo~K
Carolyn
October 4th, 2011 at 12:11
Angela, my love, as a woman who has forgiven and NOT forgiven (what a contradictory mess I am), I hurt for you and your family. I know a man who is just a year or two younger than me. He was just released from serving 20 years in prison. He was convicted of having sex with his underaged girlfriend (she was 15 or 16 at the time) and he is a Convicted Sex Offender in the eyes of the Texas Criminal Justice System. He has to tell that to every employer he applies with. He struggles so hard. And he was so young when he went to prison (19 or 20) that he has never really functioned as an adult in free society. The prison officials set every boundary he ever had to deal with, so being out amongst the rest of us is almost more than he can deal with. He has to learn his own boundaries now. I know there are times he thinks it would be easier to violate parole and go back to prison where he understands what is happening. And the programs to help him… a joke. It seems to me – just from what logic my brain can manage – that if we were going to release people who are truly a danger for re-offending (which some sex offenders truly are) that we might want to put a HUGE effort into helping them do all the things they need to do and keeping them out of more trouble. But we make them serve their punishment in prison and then more punishment when they get out. I will honestly admit that I have ambivalence around these things much of the time. And my life (if you know the details) shows that. I wish I had more grace inside of me. I guess I need to pray for God to enlarge the grace inside of me so that I can spread more of it around. I hate that we feel the need to hurt one person in order to protect another. I don’t know how to fix that. But I will keep praying about it. And I will keep praying for your family.